Nerd Patrol

Sounds like Gilbert Arenas's beach weekend was a little rougher than mine, what with first getting arrested and then acquitting himself as a total nerd. He reaches for Ron Burgundy, Anchorman, in his defense; explains that he wasn't on his way to any awesome Urban Beach Weekend parties; and only had plans for his time in Miami to see X-Men 3—for a second time. Michael Wilbon, having more patience than I do, waits until page 2 before he flat-out calls Arenas a dork. Between the Gilbertology and the Big Fundamental, the sport's best players are sending us mixed messages. Am I supposed to have a jump shot or a jumpdrive?

Zero-Hero is kind of a cool name, though.